Scene One: Friends Apartment
Friend: Wow, you apologise a lot. Are you sure you’re not
Canadian?
Katie: I know. I’m sorry. I am trying to stop. Sorry.
Friend: ….
Scene Two: At the Gym
Trainer: Hey, Kathryn, good job today. High five.
Katie: Thanks. Oh, sorry, I’m sweaty.
Trainer: It’s gym. You don’t sweat, I did not good job.
Katie: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Both of these things occurred
in the past month. Scene two not even 20 minutes ago. Seriously, Katie. Get it together.
I have proudly touted the label “Unapologetic
Feminist” for a while now, and I really need to think about what being an unapologetic
feminist means. My next blog post (which will be coming to you by Sunday
evening) is entitled “So, I guess I wear boy socks and sports are for males: On
being an Unapologetic Feminist.” I have been working on that puppy for a couple
of months to make it say exactly what I want it to.
But, then these things happened,
and I tail spinned into this weird place of not knowing who I am, what I stand
for, and where I place my ideals. There are, of course, alternative factors that aided in this quarter life crisis, but that is neither here nor there. And, I will
not get to all of those big questions in the next 557 words. But, I will
certainly be teasing them out over the next month. But right now, I have this
need to sit down, punch my writer’s block in its big, dumb face, and sort some
things out.
An unapologetic feminist is one
who is not sorry for feeling strongly about gender equality in the work place,
in the home, in political spheres, and also anywhere on this planet. On the
surface, I am absolutely an unapologetic feminist. I definitely think women
should not have to fear being cat-called or harassed simply because they have breasts and a vagina. I also think that women should be more involved in the politics
surrounding their bodies and be able to educate themselves without fear ofbeing shot.
However, on a deeper level I am not
an unapologetic person. I apologise all the time. I apologise for things that
are not my fault. I apologise for
things that are my fault. I apologise
for things over which I have no control. I apologise for apologising. I
don’t know if I apologise because I am a woman, or young, or if I honestly think
that I am the only one responsible to shoulder everyone else’s burden.
I don’t think it is because I am
a woman. I have known men whose “Sorrys” roll off their tongues like “I love
yous” or “Pleases.” I know women who apologise appropriately. And, there are
women from whom I’ve never heard an honest apology. So, I don’t think that my
issue is necessarily a gender issue.
I don’t think it is my age
either. I don’t think this is something out of which I will ever grow. I hope
to study it, and see how I can change it. But, I doubt it will ever go away.
I am going to bet my marbles that
it is because I feel responsible for everything that happens around me. It is
exhausting. I feel responsible for my friends' reactions to me. I feel
responsible for problems in the workplace. I feel responsible for other people’s
opinions.
And, I don’t know why.
I was talking about this earlier
this week with a dear friend. I feel responsible for other people’s happiness.
I’m sorry for any blip that may have affected their joy. That’s it. That is why
I am sorry. Holy Bingo, light bulb!
By feeling responsible for other
people’s happiness, I not only shelve my own needs to help others, but also I take
away their opportunity to find and cultivate their own happiness. This is
extremely problematic. I will definitely work this.
This is not to say that I will stop apologising for things
that are deserving (e.g. I am sorry I ran into you at full speed while you were
trying to catch that disc; you should absolutely call a foul or Sorry I kicked
you Rufio; you were sneakily coiled near
my feet because you don’t know how to handle human contact). But, I am going to
try to stop feeling responsible for others and apologising for things over
which I have no control. If you interact with me at all, please help me in
this. I don’t often ask for help; it isn’t in my nature (another problem, I
know.) But, really, please help me in this. I would really appreciate it.
(Un)apologetically,
Katie
