So, I'm a ball of anxiety. This shouldn't be news to anyone. Anyway, Alysha and I happen to have the day off together. Alysha suggested we listen to Joshua McClain during his cello hour. He has started doing this during quarantine; he plays cello for an hour of music and mindfulness.
Lord knows, I need this.
Coming into The Age of ‘Rona, I was having weekly panic attacks. It was a super fun time. I was taking on too much and not allowing myself to make mistakes. I wasn’t sleeping because I was replaying every moment of the day before I could rest. I had just settled on making a therapist appointment, then BAM, ‘Rona hit. No one was, obviously, taking new clients. Truthfully, I haven’t done the work in the time given to me. I am now just a less stressed ball of anxiety. So, looking forward to how that will play out when school starts in three weeks.
March
As cases in Wisconsin started piling up, I was devastated by the senseless loss of human life. In all honesty, at the beginning of this, I was not worried. I thought we would be able to get it under control much more quickly than we did. I thought, for a moment, there was an acceptable loss rate (less than X%; it’s fine). But, as I thought more deeply about it, I was ashamed that I could have, even for a moment, accept any loss.
April
In April, as people in Wisconsin gathered in the Capitol to overturn Governor Evers’ executive orders, I was so angry. Masks aren’t taking away anyone’s rights. They protect others from a potentially fatal disease. Like, how do I get you to care about humanity? How do you not care that people are dying and having long-term side effects of having their lungs turned into a sieve? How do you not care?
We started school again in a more scheduled and specific way in April. I was able to see my young people via the internet, and we began to process this global trauma together. How could I expect my kids to turn in work when they are constantly worried about things so far out of their control? I am supposed to be a rock for these kids--an adult from whom they seek advice. I am a pebble, at most. All I could tell them is how much I love them and would rather be with them. But, for their health and mine, we are on opposite sides of the screen.
Early Summer
Then, in May and June, a neo-Civil Rights Movement waged non-non-violent and peaceful protests and marches across the world. Again, how could anyone stand in support of the police officer who murdered George Floyd and the officers who watched and did nothing. I had to decide that Human Rights are more important than my fear of the virus. I justified to people in my circle that even though schools, businesses, and churches are closed, the marches must happen. There is no online version of Civil Rights.
These marches have continued. They must continue. There is not equality in this country. How do I make people care about others? How do I make people see that when they say “All Lives Matter” that includes Black people...specifically, right now? As a middle school teacher, I (usually) have a deep well of patience. But, my God, I have zero patience for people who do not care about humanity.
Early in the quarantine, a friend posted, “Hey, how are my empaths doing?” The answer is not well. I am not well. I am scared, sad, locked up inside my own head. I am so worried about everything all the time--things so far out of my control. I am a cog in a machine--a machine that is breaking. Our nation is crumbling and I can’t do anything about it. Sure, I can vote, I can make sure others vote, I can march, I can teach kindness, but all of that feels so inconsequential.
Late Summer
Then, late July and early August rolled around. All of those accolades teachers received in April, May, and June have disappeared. Again, teachers are the villains of the story. Many parents have not been in a classroom for a long, long time. They have this idyllic version of what “school” is like. If we return full in person or hybrid, school will not look like what they want. Parents don’t want their kids to return to “school.” They want their kids to return to normalcy. They want a sliver of their kids’ day to feel like it did. But, I promise you, it will feel almost more alien than virtual learning.
School has massively changed since we’ve been in school. Desks are rarely in rows. Group projects have become the norm. School is no longer just a place of academic learning. It is a home where children learn how to be humans, where children get fed, where children have an adult that will love them regardless of their behavior. School has become a social safety net because of all of the other societal bullshit (inequitable housing, poverty, unlivable wages).
Schools have carried this burden, and we do so with very little complaints. I don’t know a single teacher who became a teacher for the pay. We do it because we love children, and we want to give them the stability they need to succeed. If children return to school, their school day will look so different than it was and the in-person schooling because we cannot share pencils, markers, worksheets, or even space. They are going to do most of their work online anyway.
Reopening schools comes down to an acceptable death rate. A lot of the memes I see flying around are that only X% of children will contract it. Or, the survival rate is X%. What people fail to realize is that their child could be that X%.
Parents are working under the assumption that their kid won’t get it, but it’s okay if someone else’s kid gets it. And, that is what sickens me the most. How do I get people to care about human life? How do I get people to care at all? America’s rugged individualism, me-first mentality has gotten us into this mess, and its persistence has kept us here.
Timeless
This all leads me to my main point. No one is immune to this virus. My “pod” has done everything right. We have worn masks. We have kept distant from one another. We have not gotten together with large groups of friends. And, still, someone in my pod contracted COVID. I had a moment when I envisioned the world without this person in it. I envisioned that someone I love was no longer here. Our pod had just been together. This person worried about whom they may have given it to. Was I safe? Were the others in our pod safe? Were the people with whom they came into contact safe? This person is on the mend and doing well. And, everyone in our pod has all tested negative for COVID. Luckily for us, the emotional toll that a positive diagnosis took was more painful than the physical. However, not everyone is so lucky.
Think of someone you love deeply and without abandon. Think of the world without them in it. Tell me, is that an acceptable loss to you? Is there any acceptable loss?
Our world has been in turmoil. I would like to say its only been in turmoil since January, but honestly, it has been in turmoil for much, much longer. It was in turmoil when the Egyptians held Jewish people as slaves.. It was in turmoil as Europe colonized the world. It was in turmoil when millions of African people were kidnapped and sold as property. It was in turmoil when American slavery shifted from cotton fields to prison labor. It was in turmoil when White people patted each other on the back the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Fair Housing Act of 1968 were passed. We ended racism, right?
In America, we are in turmoil.
We are witnessing the slow death of democracy as our president is trying to steal the election.
AGAIN.
Our GDP has dropped 32.9% since March.
We are in a second wave of Civil Rights movements.
We are dying from a pandemic because people are equating their opinion with expertise.
We are trying to keep it together, and we are failing miserably.
We are a nation in crisis.
I beg you, please, take a moment and care about humanity. Because, I, honestly, don’t know what else to do.
