Wah wah skittlesnacks. It has been a minute. The above lyrics are from the Passenger song, 'Let Her Go.' And, in the past, I have listened to this song with self-pity and a tub of ice cream. However, it wasn't until recently that I really *heard* the song.
I walked past three guys jamming with their acoustic guitars right outside my hostel in Laos. My friend and I sat down to listen to them and just take in the night. Then, they started playing Let Her Go and asked us to sing with them. I looked up the lyrics and started to get into it. As the chorus came, these words caught in my throat and I faltered. I couldn't really continue.
And, here's the rub. I've never not missed home. I have been homesick more than not over the past four years. And, now I am so close to it; I can practically taste the cheese. This long way home has shown me that I don't hate the road. I love it. I love being in new places. I love exploring. I love being able to find my way around with nothing but the sun...and a pretty solid GPS. But, there is something special about talking to my mom and saying, 'Okay, I love you. I will see you in a couple weeks.'
For anyone who's not lived abroad, 'see' can mean anything from skype to emails to letters, but it rarely means actually see with my own eyeballs. But, really, I will see my mom in, like, twenty four days. I will hold my niece and head butt my sister in seventeen. I will hug my dad in sixteen.
And, so I have been challenging myself to 'Let Her Go.' By this I mean, let go of myself. Let go of my fears. Let go of my hopes. Let go of things like past and future. I have the rest of my life to sort out all of that. I hold the present with open fingertips, allowing it to flow through them like sand, appreciating it for what it is and not trying to hold on.
And, in that, I will know that I love fully because I am truly letting go.